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El Presidente Speaks To Perspectives Magazine

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As the self-styled, democratically elected leader of the Greater Shawlands Republic, I invite all readers of Perspectives to join my movement. I appeal to all people of the Left: people of the near-left; people of the centre-left; people of the far-left; people who have already left, people who wish they had left and people who are wondering why they started reading this in the first place.

Brothers and sisters, may I introduce myself: I am El Presidente, leader of the Greater Shawlands Republic. My dream is of self-determination for the peoples of the south side of Glasgow and beyond. When that is achieved and when the area known as Shawlands is officially recognised as the capital of the south side of Glasgow, I can then hand power to the people, retire to my dacha in Pollok Park and begin writing my memoirs.

Following the recent UK general election, I telephoned El Camerone to offer my congratulations and to extend fraternal greetings from the gSR. I also requested £700 million for the regeneration of Shawlands. His response was notable for it’s brevity. I am sorry to say that relations between the gSR and the UK government have got off to a bad start. However, onwards. As we say here, “Avanti!”

In my quest for autonomy for my people, I recently went on a fact finding mission to the Maldives. I can now reveal the main fact which I found on that fact-finding mission: the Maldives is absolutely gorgeous. Closer to home, in the nearby area of Shawbridge, I have been taking soundings. I spoke to the people and heard their voices. I am still hearing voices. They cry for change. Democratic change mostly, but often simply for spare change.

It would be foolish, of course, for me to hand power to the people before the conditions are right. For the people are as children in the garden of the revolution. They are as potatoes in the field of change. And we cannot hand power to the potatoes.

Of them and of you, I ask only for trust, loyalty and some money. The money will be used to consolidate my power base and to buy an armoured vehicle. For my enemies are many. Last week the Internal Security Division intercepted a CIA ventriloquist who planned to put words in my mouth and discredit the movement. The ventriloquist escaped capture, but his dummy is currently helping the ISD with their enquiries.

Here are the basics of the gSR manifesto.

Equality For Most.
The gSR is currently looking at the concept of equality and will submit it’s findings to The Equality Committee in due course. I have yet to choose who will sit on the Equality Committee.

Reform of Financial Systems.
Instead of having workers' pensions used as capital to speculate on the stock market, we propose to simplify the gambling element and just put the money on a horse.

The Economy.
Any time that the economy is in trouble, we are told that the solution lies in the return of confidence. The gSR proposes to spread and accelerate confidence by legalising cocaine.

Health for All
It is a matter of public record that the NHS has more managers than it does nurses. This is the only example in human history of an institution where the bosses outnumber the workers. Even bees, I am told, have a better understanding of the division of labour. Ancient Egyptians too understood the concept: one pharaoh, lots of slaves. Had their hierarchy been similar to that of the NHS, the waiting list for a pyramid would have been ridiculous. The gSR proposes to improve health services by having more nurses than managers. This would improve patient care, boost morale and save millions in middle management consultancy fees. (Indeed, the consultants we hired to look at this theory say it checks out).

The gSR hopes to inspire all Scotland’s south side regions. In time, all the south sides will forge cultural links in a national federation. So, people of the left who live in the south: take heart, take pride and take one day at a time.

Forward together to the future of tomorrow! Avanti!

wreckered news satire Bruce Morton